Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Slim Memoirs, Part II. "Oh You Have a Timeshare In Southern California? Did I Ever Mention That I Own California?"

You know the person that somehow shows up to every party even though they're were never invited solely because they make everyone around them uncomfortable? You know, you're sitting there having a good time, just hanging, and then you maybe make the slightest of eye contact with them and they take that as a sign that you wanted to ask them to move in with you. They constantly just want to talk about themselves and one-up you about any and every conversation you have. They also think they're the only ones who thought Battlefield Earth was a bad movie. Yes, that person. Well, it just so happens that I talk to people like this all day at Slim's (yippy)! Prepare yourself for some of the most fascinating, riveting, and enthralling descriptions of what people actually say to me, a gas station employee.  
"How does my thetan meter look?"
Before I get started, allow me to plant into your brains this question: how uninterested or lack of enthusiasm does someone have to show before you realize they don't want to have a conversation with you? You could also look at it the other way around: how apathetic do you usually have to act before someone who annoys the crap out of you stops talking to you? This is an important question that I'm sure everyone has thought about at one point in time or another.  If you don't know, well then you've never worked in customer service or you've been living in the Vatican all your life. 

In my experience with pondering that question, I've come to this conclusion: There are people out there that no matter how disinterested you are in what they have to say, they will still talk to you. NO MATTER WHAT! Your whole family could have just died in a fiery furry of a  plane crash and you could be sitting at the funeral and they would show up (even though you didn't invite them because you hate them) and still try to talk to you AND then still try to one up you on how crappy their situation might be. You could literally not say so much as a single consonant to them and they'd still talk to you for 65 hours. If there is one thing I've learned about certain individuals, it's that they don't give a crap about you. As long as you are still dwelling on this planet, they'll find you and they'll talk all about themselves. 

Okay sorry, enough ranting. I think you get the picture.

"Oh you're a doctor? So am I. I went to Harvard Medical School and graduated in the top 99 percentile.
What was it you said you did again? "

As I've said in my pervious post, there are some weird people that come into Slim's. I think people like this make up more than 3/4 of our customer (I'm still waiting for my Gallup poll results to confirm that statistic but I think I'm pretty close). Let me just state for the record that I'll be vague about what these people look like. I can't afford a lawsuit right now with all my student loans and cats to feed.

First person on the list is a guy that comes in every morning for a refill. I can remember one particular time time he saw me reading one of my textbooks in the morning and asked me what I was going to school for. I told him I was majoring in psychology (haha) and that I was thinking of going to graduate school for it. Immediately, he tells me that everyone in his family but him is a doctor and how hard and stressful it was for them. Then he starts talking about his health and how he is always asking his brothers what is wrong with him. At first I felt bad for the guy but now I'm just flat out annoyed by his presence. Every time he comes in he's telling me about his health issues and how he doesn't like to take pills for his pain but subsequently tells me about all the pills he takes.....okay that makes sense, right? He's even said to me "You're a psychology major so this pill stuff is be interesting to you." Oh really, is that what you think? Yes, because that's all we study in psychology. I know my major is practically useless by itself, but it entails more than just pills. What I'd like to say is, "No, I don't think pills are interesting. I think you think pills are interesting and I also think you should talk to someone about it, like a therapist or Amy Winehouse." Whoops, too soon?.....Meh, oh well. 

It's gotten so bad that when he walks in and I blatantly ignore him, he still talks to me. He talks about all his health issues from the moment he walks in, fills up his drink, walks up to the counter, pays for his drink, stands in other peoples' way and then finally, oh so gradually leaves, while still talking! I see his lips moving even as the door is closing and he's walking to his car. Can't you see! This is his natural instinct, he can't help but make his problems the center of attention. He probably does it to everyone he talks to. I can't imagine how his wife feels or worse, the children who inherit this annoying habit. Sadly, the cycle will continue and we will just have to deal with these types of things. 
I bet it was from natural causes.
The next person on my list is a women who has been coming into Slim's a really, really, really loooooooooooooong time. What amazes me is her innate ability to make me want to shoot myself in the face every time she comes in. Without having to say a word to her, she is immediately telling me about all  her problems she has, had, and will probably have in the near future. One time she came in she told me all about her visit with her GI doctor and told me about how she needed to get her colon rerouted to a colostomy bag. Bleeeeehhhhhh!!!!!! Gross!! I don't need to know this kind of information. She'll sit there and ask me questions like, "So my doctor told me that I have insefolitus retrovinius licotis. Do you know what that is and how I can treat it?" I physically say, "No, I've never heard of that" while mentally saying to myself, " Why...why would you ask someone who works at a gas station how to treat some disease that sounds like you can only get it if you went to Africa or sat on Hugh Hefner's couch???" Then she responds with things like this, "Well I just figured you might have heard about it because you're going to school." I want to answer her, "Yes, if I were going to medical school, I might have an idea of what you're talking about." Can you imagine what she's like in doctors offices if she's always this sick? Ugh, I feel so bad for whatever practicing medical saint, has to deal with her craziness. She always has to one up me about everything too, talking to her makes me feel like I'm playing freaking Super Mario Brothers and I unlocked a cheat to get a whole bunch of 1-up mushrooms. 

Before you start assuming that I have a horrible attitude and that I'm too critical towards these types of people, please let me just say that I've tried to be positive and it doesn't matter. You still get dragged down down to the willowy depths of peoples' narcism. As I said before in my earlier post though, you can let it drive you crazy or you can roll with it and try to find humor in it, which I try to do most of the time. However, sometimes there's just those types of people who drive you absolutely nuts that no matter how positive you are. Plus, it makes for good story telling. Enjoy!

"This is what I think about your input on our conversation"

Side note, we all know that I've had some issues with my rectum but I don't go into Home Depot telling them about it. Unless, it's on White Men Can't Podcast which can be heard at 

Comedy Podcast for the People. Sorry people.


  1. Tell them to take an aspirin and NOT call you in the morning! Oh, my my my...I need to introduce you to my son-in-law. You'd have a whole new chapter to this post!

  2. How funny! It's so funny how people give way too much info to random people. Love all your posts.